The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I smell like Dick and happiness
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
