Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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