Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
