the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
