Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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