I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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