come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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