it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
