Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
