when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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