I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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