you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
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cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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