either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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