just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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