so that wasnt chicken after all
I wish you could order shots online.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
