I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
