we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
