her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
