i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
