My nipple is on Facebook.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
