Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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