Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
