I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
