I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
