i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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