i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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