I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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