i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
