i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You need Xanax blowdarts
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
