I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
