As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
