I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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