i just wanna soil my oats bro
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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