Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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