frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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