Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
