I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
