You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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