I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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