i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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