I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
