STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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