I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
