I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Too much gin, very little bucket
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
