So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
