alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
