I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
