Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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