i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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