one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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