That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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