While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
