I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
