my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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